Snapshot of Eli and Clare
by SuddenlyStarfruit
Summary: A chance conversation with Clare has Eli thinking about fathers... and forgiveness.


**Snapshot of Eli and Clare**

_**AN: Hello everyone!**_ **_This isn't a fic. This is just a snapshot. It's been awhile since I've done any sort of writing exercise but this idea came to me in the middle of the night and I knew I had to write it. I guess it's a practice in repetition but more importantly I just wanted to write this exchange. Taking place some time in the future (after Extraordinary Machine) and based on the connection between Eli and Clare during his monolouge. Partly I suppose it's an outlet for some of my own personal crap from when I was a teenager. I wasn't going to put this on FF originally but I figured I might as well. Originally posted on my tumblr (Misfitsandco.) _**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Degrassi. Otherwise we would see more of Clare and Jake's homelife with ~Glenen!_**

_**Dedication: This one's for my mom, even if she'll never know about it. You deserve better than what life has handed you. I'll always consider myself lucky that you were there for me even if other people weren't. **_

"Do you remember that time you, um, invited me out for _public embarrassment_?" A faint smirk flickers across his lips. He remembers. "My dad had to work late and my mom needed someone to go to her fundraiser with." Clare's voice catches but she continues. "And before he left, my dad gave me this look- this look like-" She pauses. Clare's eyes seem to be focused on something in front of her only she can see. In her lap her hands clench into fists and release clawing at the fabric of her skirt. "I wonder if he felt guilty."

Eli's eyes narrow. His lips part with an unasked question. Tears well up in Clare's eyes and her voice breaks as she goes on. "I used to blame my mom you know. _She_ didn't try hard enough. _She_ didn't take enough changes. _She_ could have done… something. And when I think about her face that night, her face when he slammed the door, when he walked out… for what?" She turns to face him then. Her eyes search his face looking for answers. But Eli has none to give her and her eyes squeeze shut tightly. She turns away from him with her breath held, willing her emotions to sink back into that place deep inside her where she's locked everything away. Through gritted teeth she takes a breath, blocking out the gravity of what she's just told him. Clare swallows hard and gently opens her eyes. The sunlight reflects off their watery surface. For several long minutes they stay silent.

Eli remains still afraid any sudden movement will scare her off. She's ready to put her walls back up, he can tell. He knows it's easier to shut the world out, to pretend you're okay even when you're living in hell. He knows, he's spent so much of his life doing just that. In that moment he sees himself in her- or rather the old Eli. The one that played pretend. She exhales and Eli watches the tension flow out of her body. Her features soften when she speaks again. "I hate him." The words hang heavy between them. Searching her face for subtext, Eli's gaze falls to her lips. There's something more she wants to say. No, that's not it. There's something more she has to say but doesn't want to let go of.

Abruptly Clare's expression changes- her hatred written clear along the lines of her face. "I hate him! I hate him for what he did to her! I hate him for leaving!" Clare's voice rises as she becomes frantic but Eli is the only one around to hear her. "I hate him for tearing this family apart! I hate him for ruining everything they worked for! I hate him for-" She swallows her next words as her body rocks forward. She shakes her head as if to clear her thoughts. "All those memories, are they lies now? Have they… changed?"

He wants to say something comforting, something to make it easier for her. But he stays silent. After such a display of brutal honesty any of the usual condolences would be an insult to her. Eli is surprised to hear the soft laugh beside him.

"I don't even know if I hate him." Clare looks at him and for the first time that night her eyes are clear. This time she wants an answer.

Before he can realize what he's saying, Eli gives her one: "You love him." He watches her eyes narrow but presses forward wanting her to listen. "That's why it hurts so much." The look on her face tells him she's realized the significance of what he's just said even before he has. Those words could have just as easily been meant for them. But Eli doesn't want that- not now at least. Not when he's in such a good place. He knows for both their sakes he needs to be selfish so when he looks at her, Eli's eyes beg Clare not to think of him.

Clare understands. Her next two words save them both: "My father." Eli nods shaking away the feelings he has for her. Clare doesn't seem to notice, her logical side has taken over forcing the emotions she let run wild moments before back into that place deep inside her. "He's my father of course I love him."

For some reason her words make Eli feel lighter. Maybe this is what they were meant to be. Maybe he was meant to find her just at that moment when her world started falling apart. The ghost of a memory floats across his mind. The words of a letter a girl wrote to her parents: "_…but whatever you tell me can't be worse than the waiting." _Does Clare regret those words now? This makes Eli think of his own father. A man who has done so much for his son. A man who would never betray his wife. A man Eli looks up to with genuine admiration. A man who has earned –who _deserves_- Eli's love. Never before has Eli felt so grateful to have Bullfrog as a father. And with that recognition Eli felt something for Clare Edwards he had never felt before –pity.

Eli looked at the girl sitting next to him and for the first time saw the weight she carried with her. How had he ever expected her to carry his burdens too? Clare stares back at him with what Eli swears is relief. "Why is it so hard to forgive someone, Eli?" Her words catch him off guard. It takes him a moment, but now he knows exactly what to say to Clare Edwards.

"I'm sorry." And he means it.

For a second Eli wonders if she's misunderstood the meaning behind his words. But his worries are subsided by the softness in her eyes.

"I'm sorry too."

Something changes in that moment; Eli realizes he was wrong about them. They were never meant to save each other, or love each other forever, or some other coming of age cliché. No. Eli Goldsworthy was meant to meet Clare Edwards for this moment right here; for this single conversation; for this brief moment of understanding. So he could know what true forgiveness felt like. And Eli did feel it. For the first time in his life, Eli Goldsworthy forgave himself.

He was free.

And hoped the girl beside him was as well.


End file.
